Friday 11 December 2020 By Chris Ballard

Man who decided to watch a Christmas film every day in December now considering converting to Islam


Man depressed over Christmas

Having watched ten whole Christmas films in ten days a man has decided he’d like to live the rest of his life without having to deal with any aspect of Christmas.

What with 2020 being so masky and deathy, Simon Williams thought he’d embrace the Christmas spirit by watching a Christmas movie every day in December.

“And now I fucking hate Christmas,” he said.

“The first couple of days were okay – The Muppet Christmas Carol, Home Alone – but it soon became apparent that most Christmas films are utter dogshit.

“Take these for example:

“The Stocking of Miracle Street: Sentimental claptrap from the late fifties. A war veteran who lost a leg on Omaha beach opens his stocking on Christmas morning to find the greatest gift of all – his missing limb. Whole again, his childhood sweetheart now agrees to marry him. What kind of toxic, superficial message is that sending out?

“It’s a Wonderful Pudding Actually: An ensemble ‘comedy’ in which several suicidal bakers realise that without their stodgy, dried-fruit based desserts people would spend Christmas eating Dairylea triangles on toast.

“Wish Upon a Bauble: Two Christmas decoration factories compete to make the biggest bauble the world has ever seen. The winning industrialist successfully exploits cheap child labour in Southeast Asia to make the record books and win the girl. The loser dies after failing to outrun his own creation – like a less fortunate Indiana Jones.

“It’s Snowing Mr Chestnut!: A roast chestnut salesman is thwarted when his own personal snow cloud materialises and starts following him around. With no one prepared to buy cold, soggy chestnuts he loses his house and ultimately dies of hypothermia. Carol singing children surround his frozen corpse and the chestnuts clutched in his lifeless hand magically burst into flame.

“Christmas films don’t make me feel good, they just make me feel pressure – to buy shit, to spend time with people I don’t really like, to leap off tall buildings and foil terrorist attacks, to make life-changing grand gestures, to be ‘happy’.

“Seriously, I’m thinking of converting to Islam – anything for an easy life…”

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