The final, definite, without question of a doubt, fixed, 100%, cast-iron, unmoveable deadline for a last-minute Brexit trade deal has been set for this Sunday it is revealed, or around about then, maybe a few days after if they don’t manage to sort it.
With further face-to-face talks in Brussels involving our intrepid Prime Minister shockingly NOT progressing matters whatsoever last night, both parties have now agreed that a firm decision on the matter MUST now be made by Sunday(ish), maybe Monday or Tuesday.
A Spokesperson for the government revealed earlier “Right, we have made a final decision, at last, Boris has come up with the goods.
“We have finally decided, that there is definitely going to be a final decision, without a shadow of a doubt, absolutely no question about it, 100% this Sunday, unless we need to extend it a bit again because we can’t really make a decision.
“Everyone knows that this Brexit thing has dragged on for far too long already, and the fact that we have not been able to negotiate our ‘oven-ready’ easiest deal in history like we said we would is a complete shock to absolutely no-one in the country.
“But now that Boris is involved we really think we can get things motoring along nicely to actually get this whole mess sorted out by Sunday. Definitely Sunday. Or maybe Tuesday/Wednesday next week.”
Asked what the main sticking points on the deal were on his return from Brussels, a confused looking Prime minister told us “I’m not sure, fish fingers or something, I haven’t really read it.”