Wednesday 9 December 2020 by Arabin Patson

New Ineos car to be called Le Brexiteur and come fully equipped with a laughing Frenchman.

Sir Jim Ratcliffe

Billionaire Brexit backer Sir Jim Ratcliffe has confirmed that his homage to the Land Rover Defender will be made in France but reassured the disappointed Leave voters in Bridgend that French car workers will occasionally pause to mock the gullible idiots who gifted them such well-paying jobs.

Jean-Pierre Guillaumes, communications director for the new Connards De Rosbifs plant, explained that although the car would be French made, there would be many British touches to remind buyers of the spiritual, if not fiscal, home of the vehicle.

“We will include the option of a dummy steering wheel on the right side of the car so passengers can pretend to be English people driving in Surrey on their way to some football hooliganism or voting to impoverish themselves.

“The radio will be preset to one of your morning BBC shows where fat male DJs shout a lot while commuters call them to talk about their boring lives.

“And for that new car smell, we have specially developed a classic British scent of wet dog and hostile insularity.”

Monsieur Guillaumes did admit the Brexiteur could not really be a complete reincarnation of the classic Defender.

“Due to EU regulations, we can’t make a car as stunningly unreliable as the Defender was, but we will program the computer to inexplicably halt it every 10,000 kilometres and only restart after you paid a fortune.

“Also, we will feature a ‘vintage mode’, where, at the press of the button, small holes in the roof will open to let in the rain, the power steering will turn off and Magic FM will play some Phil Collins.”

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