UK/EU talks deadlocked over who gets to keep Fish

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Britain and the EU have convened eleventh-hour talks to prevent the collapse of negotiations after it emerged both parties are willing to go to the wall over who gets the lead singer of Marillion.

Fish, who Boris Johnson described as being “an emblem of Britain, worth far more to us than mere pounds and pence”, is at the centre of the row after it emerged Ursula van der Leyden has fancied him since the eighties and wants to make Kayleigh the new anthem of the European Union.

Hopes had grown over the weekend that a deal might be struck in which Fish spends his time alternating between Galashiels, Belsize Park, Brussels and Strasbourg, but this was dashed when it emerged Michael Gove was demanding Nena spend weekends at his flat in return.

Speaking from the Elysee Palace, French President Emmanuel Macron told us “L’ecriture pour le larme de bouffon is la ger-reatest zhing Britain have ever produced! It ees vital ‘e belong to la Belle France!”, indicating a hardening of negotiating lines on the point.

Anonymous sources from within the negotiations say that it might be best to just stop pretending and let things come to a natural end.