Tuesday 8 December 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Government holds Christmas piss-up outside brewery


Government arranges piss-up outside brewery

The Government yesterday held a piss-up just outside a brewery after failing to organise the event in the brewery itself.

It was a moderate success.

“I think that last night’s piss-up was a tremendous success,” said Prime Minister Boris Fucking Johnson.

“Would it have been preferable to have held the piss-up inside the brewery? Yes, quite possibly. But, it’s important not to talk the piss-up down. It was a very good piss-up that, I think, benefitted everyone present. It’s the sort of piss-up of which we can all be rightly proud.”

The architect of the piss-up was Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – whatever that is.

“I want to make it clear that I had always intended to hold the piss-up outside the brewery,” said Mr Gove out of his weird mouth.

“I had said that right from the start. Even when I said that I would hold the piss-up in the brewery, I think it was clear that I would be holding the piss-up outside the brewery. I think people are fed up with holding piss-ups in breweries.”

The failure to hold the piss-up in the brewery will come as a blow to a Government that was beginning to claw back some credibility after last week being able to correctly distinguish between their arse and a hole in the ground.

“It’s my arse,” said Home Secretary Priti Patel, pointing to the ground.

“No, wait. Hang on. No, that’s a hole in the ground. Definitely.”

It was considered the greatest success so far for the Government.

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