Your local conspiracy theorist is having a whale of a time today.
The UK has just approved the first vaccine against Coronavirus, which is either fantastic news or the next step in the New World Order’s plan, depending on whether or not your mother drank a lot during pregnancy.
“MICROCHIPS!” ejaculated conspiracy theorist, Simon Williams, whose mother went heavy on the cider in the months prior to his birth.
“Herrrrre come the microchips. They’re going to pump us full of tracking devices and thought-controlling chemicals and dead monkey cells and all sorts of other stuff that you would know about if you spent as much time watching spurious YouTube content as me.
“Trust me, this isn’t the end of anything, it’s the beginning of EVERYTHING,” concluded Williams, before sitting back and folding his arms as if he had a clue what he just said.
“Sorry about him,” sighed Simon’s mother, flipping his waffles over.
“I keep telling him that nobody needs to inject any tracking devices in him. He has at least four devices that provide his precise location to a variety of global companies and he lives in a country which is roughly 60% CCTV cameras.
“But when you try telling him that he just points at a photo of David Icke and screams.”