Roast Chicken flavoured crisps count as substantial meal but Cheese & Onion do not, confirms government

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Crisps count as a meal, but only if they are flavoured as such, the government has today confirmed.

Following the revelation by Cabinet Minister George Eustice yesterday that Scotch eggs are to be considered a ‘substantial meal’ in the rules for the post-lockdown tier system, further clarification was sought as to other bar snacks.

“Look, just like all the other rules, this is very simple to understand,” government spokesperson Simon Williams told press this morning.

“Any packet of crisps that has the flavour of a hearty meal can be considered as such, and therefore legally enjoyed in your local hostelry with a pint or two of your choosing.”

He explained further, “Roast chicken is the prime example. What’s more substantial than a roasted chicken? Or Hot Mexican Chili, that one works. Or Flame Grilled Steak, which happens to be my personal favourite.

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“Sometimes I eat four or five packets as my evening meal.”

“However, crisps such as Cheese and Onion or Salt and Vinegar are clearly out of the question, and I think it’s obvious that these are nowhere near the flavour of a substantial meal and as such would not be legal to consume in a pub under our new and brilliant tiered system.”

It is understood that Boris Johnson and his cabinet are currently locked in debate behind closed doors in Downing Street as to whether Smoky Bacon or Thai Sweet Chilli could be considered a meal or not, before moving on to assess the meal-like suitability of curry flavoured beer nuts.