Tuesday 1 December 2020 by Arabin Patson

Government certain that laid-off Arcadia staff will be fairly treated by tax-avoiding, woman-groping, smarmy pension thief

Sir Philip Green Arcadia Collapse

The government has expressed confidence that the soon-to-be jobless employees of the collapsed Arcadia group will be given fair compensation by Sir Philip Green, a porcine billionaire once knighted for his services to grotesquely avaricious arseholery.

Gormless human drainpipe and Junior Minister for Business, Simon Williams MP, said that he was confident a man who is a byword for a greedy sack of oily shit would surely take care of the 13,000 people his mismanagement just threw into the dole queue in time for Christmas.

“We regret that the Arcadia Group has collapsed in a way that makes it impossible for honest British businessmen to upgrade to a nice 200-footer with hydrofoils and cross-oceanic range.

“As for the little people, we see no reason to intervene in any way as we are sure a man who can’t take a yoga class without acting like a repugnant goblin will certainly do his utmost to help the people he has treated like beshitted cash cows all his life.

“We insider the government are taking a laissez-faire approach to this, as we believe in the innate sense of goodness of British entrepreneurs.

“It’s certainly not because a degenerate warthog with a humongous yacht and a harem of twentysomething whores would have mountains of embarrassing kompromat on equally immoral Tory politicians.”

Although he would not officially comment, people close to Philip Green said that he was so deeply concerned over the long-term future of his employees that he could barely manage his daily 3-minute rage-hump with one of Monte-Carlo’s least picky prostitutes.

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