Tuesday 1 December 2020 by Davywavy

Elf on a Shelf to report people for breaking lockdown this Christmas


Elf on a shelf

Santa’s delightful little elven helper, who hides around the house watching for naughty children in the run-up to Christmas, has been given the power to report people for breaking lockdown and issue on the spot fines and perform immediate arrests if necessary.

The comical little fairy, whose antics liven up many a family holiday, has been granted powers allowing it to fine transgressors up to ten thousand pounds and issue summary judgements of up to thirty days imprisonment if the fine is not paid within seven days.

According to the government, having a spy in your home who knows everything you do and can respond with physical force to restrain is ‘even better than you buying an Alexa’, so the elf is providing a valuable and positive social service.

“Every year our elven pal hides around the house and tells Santa about naughty children, like a little sneak,” said Government spokesman Simon Williams.

“So this is just an extension of his magical powers – hiding in the holly and decorations, whispered messages to Santa, summary judgements and detention, they’re all the same thing really.

“He knows if you are sleeping, he knows if you’re awake, he knows if you have more than six people from outside your bubble in your home in contravention of The Health Protection (Coronavirus, Restrictions) (No. 2) (England) Regulations 2020.

“Merry Christmas!” he added with a chuckle.

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