Tuesday 1 December 2020 by Chris Ballard

Christmas decorations to stay up until everyone vaccinated


Christmas decorations to stay upchris

People have decided that it will now be Christmas until the ‘new normal’ fucks back off to where it came from.

To make the world seem a bit less bleak and pandemic-ey, most people seem to have put their Christmas decorations up in the middle of November. And they sure as hell won’t be coming down in January.

“I can cope with never going to the pub and thousands of people dying as long as I feel a bit Christmassy,” said completely sane person Simon Williams as he put the finishing touch to his tree by inserting the top branch into his cat’s bottom.

“After all, that’s the true meaning of Christmas isn’t it? Not even Christians believe Jesus was actually born at the end of December – they just moved his party in order to make sure that winter wasn’t totally shit.

“And possibly because venue hire is prohibitively expensive during the summer months.

“But the important thing is, if there’s a mangy strip of tinsel clumsily blu-tacked to the living room mirror then I can have a sherry at eleven in the morning and no one can say anything about it.

“Twelfth Night can piss off this time around, Christmas 2020 is here to stay!” continued Simon as he wrapped fairy lights around the base of his toilet bowl.

“I plan to get fatter and jollier by the day until it’s safe to go to Asda without a face mask on. Otherwise, what’s the point of being alive?

“Right, lunchtime. Might as well start tucking into the Christmas fayre!”

Simon then emptied a bottle of Baileys into a kilogram tub of Quality Street and put it on the stove.

“This’ll be ready in five minutes. One bowl or two?”

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