The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.
The unidentified businessman is one of a handful of shady characters who are said to control 95% of the Scotch Egg industry across Europe.
Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the government has made the Scotch Egg the nation’s go-to pub snack just days after a massive donation from these people.
“Politics is rife with corruption, and there is no industry more corrupt than the Scotch Egg producers. You do not want to cross them, those that do often find themselves minced and squashed around a hard-boiled egg. I’m risking everything by calling them out in public like this.”
Meanwhile, government officials have completely rejected suggestions that the policy change has anything to do with how much money someone has donated to the party.
A Downing Street official told us, “People will always make accusations of corruption whenever they see a business doing well, and just because loads of our friends and donors have become overnight multi-millionaires off the back of a few lucrative PPE contracts, doesn’t mean we’re going to start doing favours in return for party donations.
“But I will say this; if the Cornish Pasty industry wants its leading product to be recognised as a substantial meal during the lockdown, my door, and my party’s bank account, are always open.”
A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt and mask here!