Friday 27 November 2020 by Mark Molloy

Government replaces national lockdown that hasn’t worked, with previous three-tier system that didn’t work


lockdown eased

The government has revealed today that it is replacing the national lockdown which hasn’t really worked, with the previous three-tier system in England, which didn’t really work.

With current lockdown restrictions due to end next week and cases still remaining high across much of the country, health secretary Matt Hancock has revealed improved plans to tackle the issue in the run-up to Christmas by reverting back to a system that never actually worked in the first place.

Speaking earlier today, he revealed, “We think we’ve finally cracked it this time. This is just brilliant.

“Ok bear with me here, it’s a little complicated, but trust me this is bound to work, I don’t know why we haven’t thought of it before.

“So, what we are going to do, is replace the half-hearted lockdown we’ve done for the last three weeks, which surprisingly hasn’t really fixed everything like we’d hoped it would do by now.

“And go right back into the three-tier system that we actually moved out of just before the lockdown because of how terribly it was performing.

“That way we can all start arguing about money again, and take everyone’s mind off the deaths.”

Asked what the plan is if the tier system actually doesn’t work, again, we were told “I don’t know, probably close a few gyms or something again. Who cares, it’s Christmas soon and you can do what the fuck you want.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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