In a tragic story from the heart of Government, it has been revealed that Grant Shapps and Gavin Williamson can no longer remember who is who.
Both have been bland, middle-aged, career politicians with no skills or imagination for so long now that any meaningful sense of identity has long since fallen away.
However, it first became apparent quite how bad the situation had got during a cabinet meeting when Prime Minister Boris Johnson was looking for a semi-intelligent meat sack to stand in front of some television cameras and take the blame for something.
“Without looking up, he just went ‘Gavin’ and both men answered,” said an onlooker.
“Everyone sort of nervously giggled and one of the men went – ‘I’m Gavin’ – and then the other went – ‘No, I’m Gavin. Aren’t I?’
“Priti Patel tried to help by saying – ‘Gavin, that’s you’ – and pointing to one of the men, but then Michael Gove said – ‘No, he’s Grant Shapps, the other one is Gavin Williamson. Or is it the other way round?
“Then there was this five-minute break as everyone tried to figure out which one was Gavin Williamson and which was Grant Shapps before Boris lost patience with everything and just sent out little Matt Hancock to take the blame as usual.”
The Prime Minister has since allocated the Gavin Williamson identity to one of the men and the Grant Shapps identity to the other and insisted both wear name badges from now on so that everyone remembers who is who.
A Cabinet of Arsholes – get the best-selling T-shirt and mugs here!