Thursday 26 November 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Donald Trump to pardon Judas Iscariot in time for Christmas

Donald Trump pardons Judas Iscariot

Donald Trump will be issuing a full pardon to Christ’s betrayer, Judas Iscariot.

The part-time 45th President of the United States and full-time saturated fats enthusiast made the announcement shortly after pardoning Michael Flynn, the former national security adviser convicted during the Russian election interference scandal (if you’re reading this in 2021 or after, we mean the 2016 Russian election interference scandal).

“Julius is a very misunderstood person,” confirmed the President.

“It was only right to pardon him for those things he ALLEGEDLY did. I mean who is this Jesus guy anyway? Sounds Mexican to me. I don’t trust the guy, I really don’t. I bet you mainstream media types haven’t even looked into him.

“Anyway, I’m glad that Julian will be safely back with his family so that he can celebrate the birth of the man he betrayed.”

Julius Iscariot commented, “It’s taken 2020 years, give or take a couple of decades, but I’m glad to be freed.

“Donald Trump is a lovely man and I’m looking forward to welcoming him into my home, in the seventh circle of Hell, where he was heading anyway.”

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