Priti Patel is not a bully and we shouldn’t throw around accusations, says trembling official wearing large sunglasses indoors

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Priti Patel was vindicated today after a sudden U-turn by the Cabinet Office, retracting its previous claim that her treatment of civil servants was bullying, which was announced by an official who nervously asked journalists to please leave it at that and not make things worse.

Whispering through a closed door, head of the civil service Simon Williams confirmed that Ms Patel had not breached the ministerial code and if anyone heard loud noises coming from Whitehall last night, it was furniture falling over and not related to the lovely Home Secretary.

“When I looked closely at these horrible allegations, it turned out that there are a lot of clumsy people in the Home Office.

“Walking into doors or forcibly removing themselves from their post with no explanation. I think some civil servants are just jealous because she is so nice, so they make up stories about her which is why we have so many similar reports of people being screamed at and demeaned.

“And frankly, I think there are some prejudiced attitudes coming to the surface. Who are we to say that being insulted for pointing out the law of the land is a sign of respect in some cultures? I wonder if people would make such a fuss of being abused publicly if Priti was a man.”

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Mr Williams said the report would eventually clear the Home Secretary of all wrongdoing and ask some very probing questions about why some officials keep hitting themselves. He also said he had great personal affection for Ms Patel

“By the way, you don’t have a tenner on you by any chance? If I don’t give her something for lunch she won’t let me use the toilet.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt and Mask here!