Friday 20 November 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Modern things remain awful, say old people

everything awful, insist old people

A comprehensive survey of old people has shown an overwhelming opinion that modern things continue to be awful and everything was definitely better in the past.

The survey also confirmed that life used to be much harder but, paradoxically, everyone was happier.

As in previous years, the most objectionable modern thing continues to be the metric system, with many survey respondents making it quite clear that they didn’t see what was wrong with pounds, ounces, shillings and pence.

The metric system was closely followed by men not wearing hats anymore and modern music being ‘just noise’.

Surprisingly, a general lack of respect was mentioned much less in this survey than in previous years, but too much swearing on television made its strongest showing since 2009.

According to the survey, the best thing about the past was being able to leave your door open. Although it was unclear quite why people would want to leave their doors open as that would lead to chilliness, which some respondents reported at being much worse now than it used to be.

Rationing, outside toilets and winters with proper snow were all quoted as indicators of how much harder life was, but everyone singing songs about big underwear in the pub was the most quoted example of how much happier people used to be.

A further survey will be carried out again next year, the results of which are expected to indicate that modern things will have made no improvement whatsoever.

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