Donald Trump has claimed a miraculous victory at the Masters golf tournament after convincing officials to ‘stop the count’ after nine holes.
After shooting 42 for the front nine at Augusta National, Trump declared himself the winner, insisting no-one would get close to his total without cheating.
“Everyone could see I had won, it was a massive, wonderful and historic victory,” he told reporters.
“Yet the fraudulent officials insisted on counting more and more shots, long after I’d already won.
“These shots were being counted all over the place – from deep in the rough, in loads of different bunkers, behind the trees – these so-called ‘shots’ were miraculously appearing on my scorecard from all of the place. Where did they all come from? They should NEVER have been counted.
“Isn’t it strange that the more shots they counted, the bigger the lead my opponents suddenly got? It’s FRAUD and they’re STEALING this tournament from me!”
Augusta National officials told reporters, “*Sigh*.
“Golf is a game of honour, where players are expected to apply the rules to themselves even when no-one is looking, so of course Donald Trump tried to cheat the get a win.
“On the plus side, not having to make a gree jacket for someone his size saves us a couple of hundred bucks in fabric.”