Butchers’ dogs keen to distance themselves from Boris Johnson

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Exceedingly well-fed canines in the meat industry have spent the day furiously trying to deny they had any connection whatsoever with shaggy-haired gluttonous creatures that can’t be trusted not to piss on the sofa and that everyone agrees should be neutered.

Simon, a frighteningly muscular bulldog who guards the London butcher shop of Messrs Williams and Sons, said that he and his peers were being discriminated against by an unwanted link to the prime minister.

“Am I fit? Yes. I eat quality meat and go for a solid 3-mile walk in the park everyday, unlike some fat gits who occasionally jog in Buckingham Palace grounds, but only if the Daily Mail is around.

“And I have discipline and purpose. You can lock me in the store overnight and every single sausage will be there in the morning. He can’t be left alone with a friend’s wife without someone having an unwanted litter. But now everyone is looking at us like we are flatulent plague spreaders who should be castrated.”

Simon and other butchers dogs have confirmed they are consulting lawyers in the hope of getting Boris Johnson to stop claiming he is one of them.

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“We’re normally pretty laid back. I’ll allow humans to fondle the chops and I won’t even bite unless my master sets me on them. But enough is enough.

“If Mr Johnson wants to compare himself to a quadruped, then he can look to other idle sociopaths with zero impulse control and a tendency for careless cruelty towards the humans foolish enough to love them.

“They’re called cats.”