Adding to the loss of his advisor, the Prime Minister has had to deal with some bad news of a medical nature after health professionals in the NHS diagnosed him as a congenital bellend suffering from a severe case of purulent wankery.
Downing Street spokesperson Simone Williams said the medical results came as a shock to the PM and he needed time to process the information.
She went on, “It’s hit us all quite hard. According to the doctors we spoke to, he’s had this condition most of his life and it’s likely he inherited it from his father.
“The symptoms flare up when under scrutiny or asked to do something to justify his aspirations. Dozens of nurses and doctors have explained that he is by far the worst prick they have ever met and that medical science has no cure for such unbridled cuntery.
“The good news is that it’s not lethal and if Stanley Johnson has shown us anything, it’s that you can be a spry arsehole well into retirement.
“However, there is a cluster of virulent dickishness centred around the Cabinet so others might have to join him in quarantine to contain the spread.”
Ms Williams assured the public that there would be no tangible change in how the country was run.
“Thankfully, Boris Johnson has been confining himself to light duties since 1989 so the routine won’t change much. He will stay at home, browse a few emails and ask whoever is replacing Dominic Cummings what he should sign. No PMQs with that ghastly Starmer fellow, though.
“Perhaps if he’s feeling up to later this week he might try some mild adultery or childishly mock a minority group, but he doesn’t want to push it.”