An international cabal of elite financiers, academics, spies, bureaucrats, celebrities and left-wing politicians has seen their incredibly complex election-rigging plan completely ruined by morbidly obese cretins bravely milling around counting centres for a couple of hours.
Grandmaster Mordechai Sinistra, a globalist deep state actor and Zionist-Freemason Illumaniti, admitted that his tentacular conspiracy involving thousands of agents in places of high power was not able to overcome the aimless presence of armed idiots with type-2 diabetes.
He explained, “We thought we’d covered all the bases. We had suborned every single election official in the country, got Bill Gates to hack the voting machines, sent fresh child blood to everyone in the media to stop them asking questions and ensured Soros paid his Antifa troops.
“But how could we foresee gap-toothed lardoes from shitckicker towns destroying our plan by bringing one of their seventy guns to a polling centre and shouting Trump slogans at a locked building?
“I just don’t know how a collection of incredibly wealthy people in positions of power can take over the democratic process if we are hounded by unemployed cretins who have named all their handguns but call each of their four sons ‘Buddy’. Curse this reptilian brain of mine!”
In Philadelphia, a group of wheezy white chubsters wearing comically ill-fitting military gear over garish flag-themed clothes told the press that they would stand vigil until democracy was saved.
One of them, Simon Williams, explained why: “We answered the call of our leader like the free-thinking radicals we are.
“It’s our duty as sovereign citizens to use our weapons to interfere in a process we don’t really understand or can be bothered to research. But we’ll stay until the job is done.
“Do you think KFC will deliver here? I’m getting hungry.”