Tuesday 3 November 2020

American electorate excited to choose their favourite creepy old white man accused of sexual misconduct


Biden Trump election day

The American electorate is today headed to the voting booth to select which creepy old white man in cognitive decline and accused of sexual misconduct will get to spend the next fours years with the finger on the nuclear button.

It’s election day in the US, and millions of Americans are doing their democratic duty by deciding which of the two candidates is least likely to put the entire country in the shitter.

Voter Chuck Smith told us, “I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve made up my mind.  Yes, he’s showing signs of cognitive decline, and yes he’s surrounded by accusations of improper business dealings, and yes former employees have accused him of sexual assault – but I still think he’ll be better than the others guy, who is frankly dangerous.”

However, his neighbour Chad Matthews said, “Chuck is completely wrong. He’s picking the dangerous one. I’m going for the other guy. I mean, yes, he too is showing signs of cognitive decline, and yes he’s also surrounded by accusations of improper business dealings, and yes former employees have also accused him of sexual assault – but he’s nowhere near as dangerous as the other guy.

“I can’t believe people even think there is a decision to be made here – it’s obvious who you should vote for.”

Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “People will say that we shouldn’t be putting men with accusations like this hanging over them in the White House, but I don’t think we shouldn’t be too worried, they’re both old and infirm and exhibiting signs of mental frailty, so I doubt they’re going to be abusing any women moving forward.

“Except perhaps a White House nurse helping them on and off the toilet?”

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