Prime Minister Starmer blames lockdown delay on archaic rules requiring decrees be read by a grotesque mumbling jester

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The man in charge of deciding when and how the UK goes into lockdown, Keir Starmer, has expressed frustration with quirky parliamentary rituals that require his orders to suffer consequential delays until they are proclaimed by Her Majesty’s Buffoon, Boris Johnson.

Mr Starmer’s policy advisor, Simon Williams, explained that if his boss was expected to decide how the UK would face the pandemic then quaint old customs might have to be put on hold.

“Keir appreciates the appeal of all these odd traditions and understands it is important for the tourist trade, but for a fast-moving event like a pandemic it is unfit for purpose.

“He has been learning as much epidemiology as he can, but COVID evolves fast and we must be able to implement lockdowns immediately.

“On several occasions, we have lost precious days after we sent announcements to the Buffoon’s Office in Downing Street, only for it to lie ignored or get covered in Chateau Lafitte stains.”

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Mr Williams refused to blame Boris Johnson for the dire situation.

“It’s not really his fault that he’s not up to it.

“He was hired to be a pastiche of an eccentric country squire. He was supposed to open village fetes and occasionally say something a bit naughty about foreigners to get the church ladies giggling.

“And now he’s supposed to read out complex messages he does not understand to a frightened public. He’s not a scientist. His only education consisted of wearing silly hats and learning rude words in Latin.

“It’s hardly surprising the poor thing just hides away.”

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