Saturday 31 October 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Lockdown speculation reaches fever pitch as Dominic Cummings spotted filling car with petrol

Dominic Cummings filling up car

Dominic Cummings has been spotted fuelling up his stupid car, and fuelling lockdown speculation in the process (oh VERY good, can’t believe Have I Got News For You didn’t return your calls with gold like that -ed)

The special adviser to the Prime Minister and slimy twat to everyone else caused uproar during the last lockdown when he took his covid-riddled family on an adventure drive across the country, culminating in a lovely day out at Barnard Castle.

“BASTARD Castle, more like,” commented Simon Williams, before looking around to see if anyone laughed.

“Anyway, I saw him. He’s the less-likeable Tony Robinson, yeah? Yeah, that’s the one. He was fuelling up at Heston services and he also bought not one but TWO backs of Haribo Starmix.

“One bag is a fine treat of an afternoon, but TWO? That’s long-trip planning right there.

“And he looked dead shifty – though I understand that might just be the way his face is.”

A spokesperson for Dominic Cummings said, “Dominic was just testing his ability to fuel a car.

“Every trip Dominic takes is a test of some kind, to make him a more efficient human being. There’s no wasted movement with him.

“He’s quite brilliant, especially for a lizard.

“Anyway, you don’t need to be one of his super-forecasters to realise what the sight of Dominic Cummings filling the car will lead to.

“But remember, whatever happens next, you really don’t need that much toilet roll.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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