Saturday 31 October 2020

Boris’ lockdown announcement delayed until he can prevent it looking like he’s doing exactly what Keir Starmer told him to do


Boris lockdown announcement delayed

Boris Johnson will announce a second lockdown for the nation, as soon as he can make it sound less like he’s doing precisely what Keir Starmer told him to do over a fortnight ago.

As rising cases, hospitalisations and deaths made another lockdown almost inevitable, Tory insiders are scrambling to find a way to do what Keir Starmer told them to do, without admitting they are doing what Keir Starmer told them to do.

As one Whitehall source told us, “Everyone is frantic right now. Boris called Keir ‘captain hindsight’, so it’s pretty difficult to do what we’re planning to do without handing him a massive opportunity to rebrand himself ‘Captain Foresight’.

“We’re considering all possibilities, including calling it a ‘non-lockdown’, an ‘Australian-style enforced residency period’, and even ‘I can’t believe it’s not Keir’s suggested lockdown’.

“Doing something your opponent said you’d have to do, very soon after you said it was nonsense, is a tough pill to swallow for a government being run by a so-called superforecaster.

“On the plus side, it’s not like this latest u-turn is going to hit our credibility – given it’s already in the fucking toilet.”

Meanwhile, journalists gathered outside Labour’s headquarters have reported hearing the world’s loudest, ‘I TOLD YOU SO!'”

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