Friday 30 October 2020 by Dan Flanagan

Ken Livingstone report finds Nazi Party free of anti-Semitism


Ken Livingstone releases his report on anti-semitism

An eagerly anticipated report into allegations of anti-Semitism within a major political party finally saw publication today, ending an era of struggle and triangulation which cast doubt on whether the issue would ever be fully resolved.

Yes, after five years of claim and counter-claim, the Ken Livingstone report has uncovered no evidence of anti-Semitism within the Nazi Party.

Livingstone outlined zero cases of harassment, no culture of bullying and not a single example of anti-Semitic word or deed in Nazi Germany’s 13-year reign of terror.

Red Ken told reporters, “Well, you see, Hitler himself was originally a big supporter of Zionism. And now we’ve got that out of the way, onto why I’m definitely not an anti-Semite.

“My investigation fully exonerates the leadership team: if anti-Semitic behaviour occurred on the lower rungs of the party ladder, it did so without the encouragement of Joseph Goebbels and Heinrich Himmler.

“It also recommends new measures going forward, such as a training programme for officials involving repeat viewings of The Triumph of the Will, instructions on the correct application of whitewash, and advice on how to operate dog-whistles.”

“This is a day of shame for the Nazi Party,” said Adolf Hitler, artist and Movember advocate.

“We now hope to draw a line under this issue. Never again will the terms ‘anti-Semitism’ and ‘Nazi Party’ be spoken in the same breath.”

Despite this intervention, political analysts observed that Mr Livingstone remained only the second most embarrassing former Mayor of London active in public life today.

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