As the coronavirus second wave begins to bite, Downing Street screenwriters have promised fans that the next phase of lockdown will be even more deadly and harder to understand.
With scientists predicting a higher death toll in the second wave and the UK government implementing a baffling tiered system of restrictions, the lockdown sequel promises to be as dark and complicated as a Christopher Nolan production.
“You guys are gonna love it!” said Chief Government Screenwriter Simon Williams.
“As soon as Boris asked me to write a sequel I knew I couldn’t just rehash the original.
“The first one had a lot of comic relief – the Joe Wicks character for example, or the whole Barnard Castle farce. This time I just wanted things to be bleak and difficult.
“My first great idea was to send the nations off in different directions – firebreaks, circuit breakers, three tiers, five tiers… I could keep things interesting by avoiding any sort of consistency and ensuring the leaders never communicate with each other.
“My second thought was, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen to my characters right now?’ Then it hit me – their Christmas could be ruined!
“People are hoping the festive season will provide a little respite from the constant misery – as a screenwriter my job is to create drama by pulling the rug out from under their feet and stop them achieving their goal. No loved ones for you this Christmas!
“I already have an idea for the third part of the lockdown trilogy.
“Starting with a small band of survivors living in an abandoned Aldi, it will tell the story of the 2021 apocalypse in reverse order – the Covid riots, the hospital closures, Boris saying everything is under control and that it will all be over by Easter.
“If it wasn’t for the total collapse of civilisation I reckon I’d definitely win a BAFTA!”