Wednesday 28 October 2020 by Arabin Patson

Priti Patel’s tale of sorrow at the loss of migrants’ lives wins Booker Prize for fiction


Priti Patel wins booker prize

In a world first, the Booker prize for outstanding work of fiction has been awarded to a short press release by Priti Patel, claiming to regret the drowning of several migrants in the Channel, as it “instantly propelled the reader into a phantasmagorical world where reality holds no sway.”

A spokesperson for the jury, Simonia Williams, denied the decision was a publicity stunt and that Ms Patel’s claim to give a toss about the lives of people she works so hard to ruin was “by far the most illustrative definition of what fiction truly is.”

“Priti Patel’s oeuvre is an amazing piece of writing that combines the evocative succinctness of Hemingway’s six-word story and the mind-bending suspension of disbelief harnessed by Gabriel García Márquez.

“Think about it. The second you read it you start world-building in your head. You have to construct an alternative universe where Priti Patel is not such a broken creature that she accepts being both the shield and spear point of unabashed racism at a policy level. You have to question the very nature of good and morality to picture the Home Secretary being moved by human empathy, instead of combining the morals of a serial killer cannibal with all the dignity of a prison snitch.

“Great fiction pushes away the boundaries of human experience and unleashes the power of an unconstrained mind. With this short paragraph, Priti Patel asks us to question if words have any meaning, or are they just personal mirrors of emotion of which we can never know the true essence, as they lie beyond our own mental constructions.

“Also, she said she’d deport 1000 orphans to a war zone if we didn’t tell her she was a wonderful person.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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