Wednesday 28 October 2020 by Hannah Fox

Careless woman accidentally beaten to death by unlucky man

Careless woman accidentally beaten to death by unlucky man

A thoughtless 35-year-old woman was found beaten to death by a married father of two, who reported he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Simon Williams, an IT expert earning £50,000 a year, said, “Honestly, I don’t know how it happened. One minute me and Jessica are having a perfectly reasonable conversation where I calmly explained that it would kill my wife and kids if they found out what a bellend I am, the next thing I know Jessica’s dead on the floor.

“Clearly I didn’t mean to do it, I’m a married father of two IT expert on £50,000 a year, so this isn’t the sort of thing people like me do.

“Jessica was just a teacher, sadly earning only £28,000 a year. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but it was obviously Jessica’s fault. Ruined my life, she has, by being so terribly careless.

“I’m hoping the jury will understand where I’m coming from, after all, two women a week are accidentally strangled, beaten, stabbed or shot. It was just my bad luck to be having an affair with her when this happened to her.

“It’s funny that men are never accidentally killed, but there you go. Must be something to do with periods.”

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