Tuesday 27 October 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Concern for Priti Patel after Ocado discontinues virgin’s blood


Priti Patel anger

There was concern for Priti Patel, Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard, after Ocado announced that they would no longer be offering virgin’s blood as part of their delivery service.

“I’m really worried,” said a close friend of Ms Patel.

“She gets through gallons of the stuff. Her start-the-day smoothie is virgin’s blood and banana, with a few porridge oats for texture. She spreads it on her lunchtime sandwich instead of ketchup and she bathes in it for at least an hour before bed.”

It is understood that if Ms Patel does not maintain a ready supply of virgin’s blood then the dark lord could reclaim her soul and drag her back into Hell for eternity.

“It’s going to make life very difficult if Ocado don’t deliver,” continued the friend.

“She could pop into Waitrose on her way home, but there’s a lot of demand for virgin’s blood around Westminster for some reason, so you can’t always guarantee they’ll have some in stock.

“There’s a big ASDA, but she’s not really an ASDA-virgin’s blood sort of girl.

“The only other real option is to use the cover of night to stalk and slaughter local virgins for their blood, but I’m not sure that’ll work, I mean, she’s Home Secretary, she’s really busy.

“Although I suppose Amber Rudd always found time.”

Priti Patel herself has yet to comment on Ocado’s decision, although it is understood that her office has put in a request to the House of Commons Tea Room to stock subsidised virgin’s blood as they used to do under the Thatcher Government in the eighties.

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