Tuesday 20 October 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Epidemiologists insist on playing on Ian Brown’s new album


Ian Brown

Epidemiologists have launched a stinging criticism of Ian Brown’s music and have announced that they will form the band on his new album to try and improve things.

“Let’s face it, everything he’s done since the first Stone Roses record has been piss poor,” said Professor Simon Williams, one of the country’s leading experts on the spread of disease.

“As such, I think it’s time that we got in a number of epidemiologists in to really turn things around for him.”

Professor Williams himself will play drums, an instrument that many consider being trickier than it looks.

“Yup, I’m on sticks. Piece of piss. I mean, I’ve never had any drum lessons or anything, but I have watched a couple of YouTube videos of drummers and it looks well easy. You just hit the drums at the right time. How hard can it be, right?”

It is understood that Ian Brown would rather have experienced, professional musicians play on his album.

“I think that would be a mistake,” said the Professor.

“Thing with your professional musicians, they’re in the pocket of this deep-state cabal of global elites who want to turn all music into tedious old dad-rock that is stuck in the past.

“No, everyone knows, man,” he laughed.

“When it comes to music, you definitely want epidemiologists in the band.”

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