Theatre retrains as Wetherspoons

author avatar by 4 years ago

A listed building in central London is having to retrain as a piss-soaked boozer because its current job as a West End theatre is no longer viable.

A London theatre is being forced to find an alternative source of employment after the government deemed its career to have become laughably impractical.

“I completed the questionnaire on the government’s online career’s service and my result was ‘Fucking useless piece of shit’,” said Shaftesbury Avenue’s Oxbridge Theatre.

“Luckily, it also said that I possess all the essential requirements to work as a branch of Wetherspoons.

“The route to my woefully inadequate toilets is labyrinthine and strewn with trip hazards.

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“My carpet hasn’t been changed for almost a century – it’s not saturated in piss and vomit, but apparently that will come with experience.

“And because I’m an old building I’m quite used to being haunted by emaciated, lost souls who look extremely violent but are actually pretty harmless as long as you don’t disturb them.

“Of course, it’s not the first time this has happened – my great uncle, Fred Billington used to be an opera house before he was forced to become ‘The Billington’.

“He went from receiving ovations to receiving expectorations.

“I guess that’s the ultimate fate of anyone who works in the performing arts.”

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