Friday 16 October 2020 by Neil Tollfree

New abusive birthday card punches you in the face


punch in the face

An independent greetings card company has unveiled a new abusive birthday card that punches the recipient in the face on opening.

Abusive birthday cards have increased in popularity over the last twenty years, beginning with gently teasing cards that simply said ‘You old git’ or ‘You look rough’, to the more extreme abuse on modern birthday cards such as ‘I f**king hate you, you f**king c**t. F**k off, just f**k off’ and ‘I’m literally going to murder you’.

A card that physically punches you in the face, however, is an innovative new step forward for the industry.

“We’ve been working on a special new punching technology for some years now,” said Simon Williams of Wanker Greetings Cards Ltd.

“In essence, you take a normal punch and miniaturise it so that it can fit it into a birthday card, then you hide it behind a small lever that is triggered upon the opening the card to deliver a hilarious punch to the face. Hopefully drawing blood.”

The cards will go on sale in the coming weeks, but will be kept behind the counter in greeting card shops to prevent the cards being triggered, using up the punch and rendering them useless.

There have also been rumours that Wanker Greeting Cards will soon be unveiling a new greeting card that kicks the recipient in the balls and steals their lunch money.  However, Mr Williams refused to comment on the rumour, saying that ‘for now, we are just focused on punching our clients in the face’.

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