Friday 16 October 2020 by Mark Molloy

Government to use money saved by refusing to feed hungry children to hire three new full-time track and trace consultants


Save money to pay for track and trace consultants

The government is to use the money saved from not feeding millions of hungry children over the Christmas school holidays, for three brand new track and trace consultants to work full time in December.

As pressure grows on the government from footballer Marcus Rashford to provide free meals for disadvantaged children throughout the school holidays, the government has revealed today that the money is being better spent elsewhere, on private-sector track and trace consultants sitting around doing fuck all for thousands of pounds per day.

A spokesman for the government revealed, “Don’t worry, we’re putting the money we’re not spending on hungry children to good use, as always.

“Obviously we have a lot of sympathy for the millions of disadvantaged children who go hungry every day, but we think it would be more beneficial to give around £12bn of your money towards a useless track and trace system and allow people in private companies to charge thousands of pounds per day for essentially sitting around doing fuck all.

“That’s why we are using the money we’ve saved by not providing food for poor and hungry children, to instead pay for three brand new test and trace consultants, to work full-time hours for the whole of December.

“We understand the pain and anxiety this may cause to millions of desperate parents, but if these guys can manage to trace up to, say, three people a month, then surely that’s worth it?”

When pressed if he feels the money spent could genuinely be used better elsewhere we were told, “I suppose, that HS2 thing isn’t going to build itself.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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