Thursday 15 October 2020 by Arabin Patson

Fatima confirms she’s packing in ballet to earn seven grand a day doing f*ck-all for SERCO


Fatima the ballerina

Critics of the government have been busy wiping egg off their face after the famous ballerina Fatima said she was giving up dancing and instead retraining to work as a consultant and get paid boatloads of cash just to tell the government how to open an excel spreadsheet.

The social media celebrity, whose full name is Fatima Simone Williams, explained that she would much prefer to earn thousands of pounds every single day to talk bollocks about the UK’s failed Track and Trace system, than break her toes for an underappreciated art form.

She went on, “Don’t get me wrong, I still have a passion for ballet, but when I learned that the government was paying some people 7 grand a day just to tell them they should work their way down an excel spreadsheet and call people to ask if they are at home, I decided to have change career.”

Ms Williams was keen to point out that she understood she might not reach the top of the pay scale immediately.

“Of course, I will work my way up the ladder. Donations to the Tory party, flowers sent to Dominic Cumming’s office, getting chummy with Westminster coke dealers and of course I’ll have to learn how to use the term ‘world-beating’ constantly, even if it doesn’t make any sense and it eats away at my soul.

“But hopefully, I can soon get to the point where I’m earning over a million a year just to tell Etonian fuckwits that they should reject the free tracing app that Apple made and instead spend billions on some bespoke piece of crap that was months too late to be effective and tanked the day it launched.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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