Thursday 15 October 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Boris Johnson seeks urgent holiday as Covid crisis intensifies


Boris needs a holiday

Prime Minister Boris Fucking Johnson is said to be urgently trying to book a holiday that will see him safely hidden away somewhere sunny as the looming Covid crisis peaks in the coming weeks.

Aides have been charged with finding somewhere for some late-October sun, with some good-quality, rustic local restaurants and that’s far enough off the beaten track to make it really difficult for journalists to track him down.

“Number 10 is humming at the moment,” said one insider.

“What with the second wave really ramping up, Boris is desperate for us to find somewhere that he can hide.

“We nearly scored two weeks in the villa of a money-launderer in Croatia, but when the money-launderer found out it was for Boris Johnson he withdrew the offer. He thought that sort of association with Boris Johnson could really damage his image.

“I think Turkey is looking like a favourite at the moment as they’ve got a healthy attitude to imprisoning journalists over there, which should put off some of the little buggers.”

It is understood that whilst Boris is topping up his tan and sampling the local wine, the Covid crisis back home will be managed by one of the hapless, grinning meatsacks who were appointed to cabinet based on their ability to wear a suit without soiling themselves.

It will be Mr Johnson’s 42nd holiday so far this year, however, should the worst happen and no suitable holiday venue be found, sources close to the prime minister have insisted he could simply revert to type and hide in a fridge.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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