Wednesday 14 October 2020

Government insists it IS following the science, but a different science that you won’t know because it goes to a different school


Boris Johnson says he's following the science

The government has today insisted that despite accusations to the contrary, it is in fact following the science, it’s just that you don’t know this particular science because it goes to a different school.

After news revealed that the Scientific Advisory Group on Emergencies (SAGE) recommended a series of measures to restrict the spread of covid in mid-September, measures that were roundly ignored by the government, the government has insisted that it is still “following the science”.

Government spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “Sure. On the outside, it looks like we ignored the advice of the scientists and their findings during SAGE committee meetings.  But that’s only because you’ve never met our other science and the advice we got from them.

“There’s no point looking for that other science though. You wouldn’t know them, but they’re way cooler than the SAGE science, and they often tell us lots of cool things about what we’re doing and the approaches we’re taking.

“I had a great photo of me with this other science when we last met up, but I accidentally deleted it from my phone.

“But we’re definitely still following the science. Just a better, sexier science.”

When pressed for further details Williams said he had to go because he had a hot date with the other science and couldn’t be late.

As he left, he told us, “Tonight’s the big one! If I play my cards right, this other science is going let me leave all the pubs open and put a few more restraints on a load of poor people. Ding dong!”

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