Wednesday 14 October 2020 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson now has ‘tight five’ for Covid stand-up set


Boris has stand-up sorted

The Prime Minister now has enough flippant jokes about the coronavirus and the people its killed to perform a solid five minute stand up routine.

With his latest joke about people being thankful for the rule of six so that they can avoid their in-laws this Christmas, Boris Johnson now has enough hilarious Covid-related material to launch his career in stand-up comedy.

“I already had loads of great material,” said the prime minister.

“But not quite enough to get me to the five-minute mark required by most comedy promoters.

“My ‘Operation Last Gasp’ stuff about the ventilator shortage was obviously gold and a great way to open a set. What better way to put an audience at ease than with a fab gag about the hospitalised elderly being slowly asphyxiated?

“My joke about Keir Starmer having ‘more briefs than Calvin Klein’ was solid enough, but only tangentially related to Covid. I always felt the set up – ‘The Leader of the Opposition asked me about bereaved families…’ – was a little clunky.

“However, now I have the perfect way to finish by making light of the fact that people won’t be able to see their loved ones at Christmas time! Haha, made myself laugh!

“Of course, I’ll still need to pad things out a bit by clowning around like a bumbling twat, but I can improvise all that. Improv is my first love anyway.”

Boris is now planning to take the comedy clubs by storm.

“What do you mean they’re all closed? Who the bloody hell allowed that to happen?”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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