Tuesday 13 October 2020

Tim Cook set to unveil reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

Tim Cook to unveil new iPhone 12

Apple CEO Tim Cook is set to unveil a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 12.

Cook will present Apple’s new flagship mobile device at the launch event held at their HQ near San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous with Apple telling users exactly why their current devices and software were actually rubbish all along.

The new iPhone 12 is seen as the ‘biggest jump’ in making your existing iPhone obsolete since the original device was launched eleven years ago.

Cook will open the presentation by telling viewers at home that “iPhone 12 does all these really cool things, which you’re old one definitely doesn’t, so you should ditch it immediately.

“Such is the scale of advancements we’ve made, that 2020 Tim Cook would walk up to 2019 Tim Cook holding a bit ‘L’ on his forehead before giving him an atomic wedgie for having such a crappy phone.

“Getting our users locked into a two year contract on a device which is obsolete within a year, is the Apple way, and we’ve really outdone ourselves this time.”

Among the improvements are likely to be features that users of phones not made by Apple have benefited from for years, such as a nicer screen, being even more waterproof, and not needing to plug it in every single bloody hour.

Cook will likely add, “With the same all day battery, our new iPhone 12 users will be able to keep their disinterested friends bored by demoing the new iPhone for hours on end.

“And if you think the 12 is a shit name, wait until you hear about the 12 Plus.”

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