Liverpool pub landlords busy printing three course crisp menus

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As areas on ‘very high’ alert will see pubs asked to close unless they serve substantial meals, landlords are bending over backwards to meet the criteria.

The government is launching a new three-tier coronavirus alert system and people in ‘very high’ alert areas such as Liverpool have been working out how to get around the latest set of ill-defined and poorly thought out requirements.

“Apparently I have to close my pub if my customers can’t buy a substantial meal,” said Liverpudlian landlord Simon Williams.

“Well I reckon most people would feel pretty stuffed if they ate five giant bags of pickled onion Monster Munch, so why shouldn’t that count?

“My new menu will satisfy all the main requirements – three-course meals will be available, all food will be hot and everything will be served with cutlery.”

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Simon’s menu is as follows:

– Crisps of the day (see board for details), warmed by being sat on for ten minutes
– Microwaved Skips
– Assiette of nuts* (Salted peanuts/Dry roasted peanuts/Cashew nuts) – microwaved.

Main Courses
– Piping hot scotch egg (microwaved on full power)
– Twice-microwaved Monster Munch salad (a delightful combination of pickled onion and roast beef all mixed up together in a bowl and slightly burnt)
– Mixed Fries (Scampi and Bacon) heated on the radiator for twenty minutes

Dessert (all served with hot custard)
– Freshly microwaved popcorn dusted with sugar**
– Crisp board (a selection of hard and soft crisps)

*May contain traces of urine and semen.
**Sachets subject to availability

Sadly for Simon, the government has now issued further guidance to clarify what constitutes a ‘meal.’

“I have no idea what a Monster Munch is,” said a Tory spokesman. “However, as a general rule, anything that comes out of a packet will not be classified as substantial, no matter how much is consumed or what temperature it’s served at.

“This, of course, means that all branches of Brewers Fayre will definitely need to close.”