Monday 12 October 2020 by Chris Ballard

Dominic Cummings to be knighted for services to Dominic Cummings


cummings to be knighted

The Prime Minister’s Chief Advisor has done such a great job of manipulating government policy to serve his own private interests that he’s now manipulated the honours system to recognise his own achievements in the field.

Although not mentioned in the official press release, the 2020 Queen’s birthday honours – based upon recommendations made by the Prime Minister – include a knighthood for Dominic Cummings for all the things he’s done to make the country a better place for himself.

“I made this perfectly sound decision all by myself,” said Boris in an address to the nation as Mr Cummings nodded in the background.

“Because of this great man you all have control over your lives once more. You are free to follow the coronavirus regulations issued by your very own sovereign parliament and to which, therefore, you must be perfectly happy adhering.

“Of course, Dominic is a breed apart. How many people would have had the courage to flout the rules just because it suited them to do so? Who else would have been brave enough to risk the lives of complete strangers simply because it worked for them logistically?

“And let us not forget that despite apparently doing everything we can to avoid herd immunity we are now well on the way to achieving herd immunity through the sheer number of coronavirus cases.

“How did we do this? Well, the truth is that WE didn’t – Dominic did, by undermining your faith in the government’s pandemic policies and encouraging you to bloody well do what you liked.

“Without Dominic, all those terrible deaths would be our fault whereas now they are inarguably YOURS.

“So arise Sir Dominic. We all wait with bated breath to see in which glorious direction you will take us next.”

A cabinet of arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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