Monday 12 October 2020 by Pete Redfern

Ballet dancers told to retrain as Tories so they can help them dance around tough questions

Ballet dancers to retrain as Tory spokespersons

The Conservatives have instructed dancers to retrain as spokespersons for the Party to help them pirouette around difficult questions.

With the government facing increasingly probing questions from journalists regarding their handling of the pandemic, Conservative officials had a bright idea to overcome the issue.

Tory MP for the constituency of Little Arseache, Christopher James, explained “One of the worse things about this whole Coronavirus pandemic – probably on a par with the rising death toll and economic woes – is how it is making us look like right tits on TV.

“Journalists are starting to ask really tricky questions like ‘How many people have the virus?’ and ‘Why are you using a spreadsheet to test and trace people?’ and frankly we don’t know how to dodge that kind of scrutiny.

“I’ve gone right off Kay Burley since she started asking us tricky questions, I can tell you.”

He went on, “So all these dancers are sitting around doing nothing, and we can use their vast expertise and experience of dancing and skirting around to evade the next grilling from a breakfast TV host.”

Ballet dancer Simone Williams told us, “They’re having a laugh, right?

“It takes years and years of hard work, dedication, blood, sweat and tears to train to be a Tory arsehole, we can’t do it overnight.”

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