Friday 9 October 2020 by Mark Molloy

‘We might close the pubs on Monday’ confirms government, so you better pile out and get pissed while you can


Boris to close the pubs on Monday

The government has revealed today that further tighter restrictions, such as the closure of pubs and bars could happen in England from Monday, so you better get out and get pissed while you can just in case.

As infections continue to rise in several major cities in the UK, urgent local restrictions are set to come into place to halt the spread of the disease from Monday, after everyone has had a big blow out all weekend to say goodbye.

A spokesperson for the government revealed, “We need to take extremely urgent action to halt the spread of the disease.

“That’s why we are planning to close all bars, pubs and restaurants in major virus hotspots, from next week sometime, after everyone has piled out this weekend for one last big session.

“We are urging people to continue to act responsibly, particularly in areas which have high rates of infection.

“Which is why we are giving you a good few days notice over the weekend, before closing all the pubs, to just go out and party your tits off in a pre-lockdown frenzy, before staying in for two weeks on your own.”

Asked if further restrictions may have been better implemented on a Friday, before the weekend we were told, “We haven’t even said we are closing anything yet, but we might, from next week, so you know…. last chance.”

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