Thursday 8 October 2020 by Formelia Alberthine

Vatican dismisses miracle claim after blind man sees right through Boris Johnson


Vatican miracle

Vatican officials have moved to dismiss claims of a divine miracle after a blind man claimed to see right through prime minister Boris Johnson.

A team of British ophthalmologists were perplexed when Simon Williams, who has been blind since birth, was able to offer an almost complete description of the current leader of the country and the motives behind his every move.

The Vatican-appointed Miracle Commission were informed of the ‘miracle’ and launched an immediate investigation into the circumstances surrounding the case.

“Sure, Mr Williams gave a pretty good description of Boris Johnson, but upon questioning, we quickly clarified how that information was obtained,” a Vatican spokesman told convened reporters.

“This man is living in a council flat consisting of two bedrooms when he himself was the sole occupant of the residence.

“He is also unemployed and on disability benefits.

“His flat is on the 22nd floor of a high rise block, whose lift is working about as often as a recent 2:2 graduate.

“So, when Mr Williams tells you that Johnson is a vainglorious fascist of deplorable merit, whose sole goal in life is to destroy the last vestiges of civilised society by surrendering the needy to a life of lonely poverty and starvation, he is only at the beginning of his detailed articulations.”

The spokesman said as a result of the investigation they had now identified a miracle of a very different type for consideration.

“It was clear to us that there was only one miracle at work here. The ungodly one that saw the Tory Party re-elected in 2019.

“That means we are one miracle short of the Canonisation of one Margaret Thatcher.

“Jesus Christ.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the Facemask and T-shirt here!

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