Swing voters ‘still undecided’ as Mike Pence begins to manifest a halo of flies

author avatar by 3 years ago

Polls suggest that voters watching the US Vice-Presidential debate last night have called the contest ‘a draw’, despite incumbent Vice President Mike Pence fluffing the all-important ‘not manifesting a halo of flies’ test.

Pence, who is well known for keeping a pet jackal which he calls ‘Mother’, began to display signs of his halo as the debate wore on along with a hellish wailing of the tortured damned – although sources insisted that was simply the sound of parents in ICE camps who haven’t seen their children in a year.

Polling immediately after the event closed showed that although Pence’s emergent unholy aura caused him to suffer in key states, many voters found Kamala Harris being female an equal turnoff.

“It’s tough,” said registered Independent Billy-Simon Williams.

“Yeah, Mike came onto the stage hovering three inches off the ground and followed by his own personal cloud of bulbous, biting black flies of no species known on this earth, but Kamala Harris might be a bit too emotional and could quite easily crack under the pressure, you know, due to being a little lady.

“I guess I won’t know what I’m going to do until I get in that polling booth with all those armed voting militia observers the President has asked for hanging round outside to make sure I vote the right way.”

Evangelical voters are understood to still solidly support Pence insisting that his nascent halo is ‘Biblical’, although they refused to be drawn further on precisely what was meant by that.