Wednesday 7 October 2020 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson’s mojo spotted holidaying in Italy


Italian Riviera

Although the Prime Minister claims he hasn’t lost his mojo, there are reports that it has in fact been sighted having it large on the Italian Riviera.

At this week’s Tory conference – described as virtual to reflect the fact that any suggestion of government, leadership and competence is actually an illusion – Boris Johnson rejected claims that he’s lost his mojo.

Addressing a home-based audience of literal wankers, the Prime Minister dismissed such accusations as ‘drivel’ – a word normally deployed as his default comeback to difficult questions when he hasn’t read any of the supporting papers.

However, it seems as though Boris has been caught in a lie. Several people claim they saw what was quite clearly Mr Johnson’s mojo staggering around Genoa pissed as a fart and propositioning local barmaids.

“It was definitely the British PM’s mojo,” said local restaurant owner Simone Williamsi. “It looked just like Boris but was wearing nothing but underpants and had a sort of red glow.

“We heard the screams and saw the fleeing women before the mojo itself came into view.

“’Covid-schmovid!’ it growled before urinating into some roadworks, lunging onto my terrace and attempting to kiss one of my waitresses.

“A swift kick in the balls only prompted a cry of ‘Hoochie Koochie!’ Then it leapt up onto a table.

“‘Downing Street’s bloody boring!’ it shouted. ‘It’s all decisions and numbers and hardly any shagging!

“‘So from now on I’m focussing on where the action is’ – it pointed to its y-fronts – ‘My pants!’

“It then bounded up the road screaming ‘Pregnancies are on me!’ like some grotesque parody of the Milky Bar Kid.”

An anonymous Downing Street source said, “That does sound very much like the Prime Minister’s mojo, yes. We’re not going to officially admit that though, as the staff here all feel much safer if it’s off harassing people abroad.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the Facemask here!

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