Britain being run by the Dementors would explain everything, suggests shock report

author avatar by 2 years ago

In a shock press conference yesterday, a clearly cowed and haunted Boris Johnson broke down and blamed the last 6 months on “the Dementors”.

Visibly twitching, the Prime Minister described how after the election he had headed into 10 Downing Street with high expectation of “a big desk and lots of top quality totty.”

But his hopes were quickly dashed when a portrait in his office unexpectedly came to life.

To exclamations of “Cripes!” from the new Premier, the picture introduced itself as “Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic” and explained that “for administrative purposes,” Britain in 2020 was to be run by a group known as “the Dementors,” whose purpose was to suck all the fun and joy out of life.

“Rule of Six, pub curfews, students being nailed inside their dorm rooms, the works,” Fudge told Boris sternly.

“That bastard Cameron,” groaned the prime minister.

“Now I know why he smirked at me when I was handed over the keys to Number 10.”

But former Premier Tony Blair dismissed Boris Johnson’s claims as delusional.

“It’s absolute nonsense to claim that Britain is being run by these… Demendors? Demensors?” he said scornfully.

“Unless of course, it is the will of the Dark Lord. Oh bugger, did I say that bit out loud?

“Move along, nothing to see here.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!