Monday 5 October 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Scientific advances mean Laurence Fox now able to f*ck off enough

Laurence Fox

One of the largest scientific efforts of recent years has been to advance the technique of fucking off so that long-faced bugle of bigotry Laurence Fox could actually fuck off enough.

Now scientists have announced they have been successful in their efforts.

“The problem with a creature like Fox,” said Simon Williams – Professor of fucking, pissing and sodding off at Oxford University

“Is that that you tell him to fuck off, he fucks off to somewhere else – perhaps a nearby park or Starbucks, and everything briefly seems to be fine. But then you realise that he is still actually nearby.

“So, you tell him to fuck off again, and he does so and the process repeats until he is literally on the other side of the planet and he’s still not fucked off enough and then when you tell him to fuck off again, because of the curvature of the earth, he actually starts moving towards you.”

It’s a baffling problem that has confounded scientists ever since the emergence of Laurence Fox. But now they seem to have the answer.

“It’s a giant space catapult,” explained Professor Williams.

“You tell Laurence Fox to fuck off, and the catapult flings him thousands of miles into space. According to our calculations, when Laurence Fox hurtles past Pluto, he seems to have fucked off enough.

Sadly, this new advance almost certainly won’t be able to make Julia Hartley-Brewer fuck off enough.

“Good Lord, no,” chuckled Professor Williams.

“Julia Hartley-Brewer fucking off enough?

“We’re not miracle workers.”

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