Monday 5 October 2020 by Pete Redfern

Boris insists he has successfully flattened the curve of the second wave, if graph is turned on its side


Boris Johnson flattens the curve

Boris Johnson has succeeded in his aim to flatten the curve of the second wave, albeit only when you turn it on its side.

The Prime Minister is today seeking applause for successfully flattening the curve of the inevitable second wave, insisting that the fact that the flattening was in a vertical fashion is irrelevant.

A technical glitch in reporting revealed a sudden leap in the number of cases overnight of 16,000 which were then added to Saturday’s figure of 12,000 and Sunday’s figure of 23,000, causing the line on the graph of UK cases to point almost directly upwards.

“It still counts!” insisted Boris Johnson to the press gathered outside Downing Street this morning, hurriedly wiping the lipstick of his newest mistress from his lips.

“They said ‘flatten the curve brilliantly like you did the first time Boris’, and that’s exactly what I’ve done, and in quicker time, too!

“You don’t have to turn the graph on its side to see it. You can leave the graph as it is and turn your head over at a 90-degree angle.

“The fact that I flattened it vertically, well, that’s not the point, and besides, non omnia possumus omnes.”

Downing Street officials then hurried the Prime Minister back inside, and shortly afterwards Tory spokesperson Christopher James emerged to address the press.

“Sorry about that, folks,” he began.

“Boris hasn’t had his morning G&T yet so he’s bound to be a bit incoherent.

“Let us be clear that the sudden rise in cases is not the fault of the Conservative Party.

“If the Labour Party hadn’t left the country in such a state when we took over a decade ago, we wouldn’t be in this situation now.

“Oh, and it’s all your fault, too. Yes, you specifically.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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