Thursday 1 October 2020 by Chris Ballard

Timmy Mallett to moderate next Presidential debate


Timmy Mallett presidential debates

Wacaday legend Timmy Mallet will run the next debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden with the help of his giant pink foam mallet.

After widespread criticism of the way this week’s presidential debate was conducted, the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) is calling for help from across the Atlantic.

“I’ve seen this guy in action – he’s an expert in chairing one-on-one encounters,” said Head of the CPD Chuck Williams.

“He has the power and gravitas of Thor but, you know, slightly more eccentric.

“Any interruptions or hesitations and BLAM – those guys won’t know what’s hit them. Well, they will, because it will be a great big foam mallet bearing a smiley face.

“This way there’ll also be a clear winner to debates because it will simply be the one who was malleted the least.”

An initial test of the new rules was extremely successful.

“Biden called Trump a clown,” said Chuck. “Trump then said ‘Circus,’ Biden said ‘Fair,’ Trump said ‘Blonde,’ Biden said ‘Brunette,’ then Trump said ‘Mmm, oh yeah…’ and WHACK! Timmy did his thing.

“It worked perfectly! I’ll can’t wait for the American public to see it!

“The only slight issue is that Timmy insists the debates take place at 8am UK time – apparently that’s when he’s in peak condition for mallet-wielding. But we’re happy to accommodate such an expert.”

Some commentators have expressed concern about two elderly men being repeatedly bashed about the head, a concern dismissed by the CPD.

“Let’s face it,” said Chuck, “Any damage to the brain department happened a long time ago.”

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