‘I misspoke’ says Boris Johnson after wedding vows blunder

author avatar by 4 years ago

The Prime Minister has apologised to his ex-wives, saying he ‘misspoke’ by saying ‘I do’ when what he actually meant was ‘I don’t.’

Boris Johnson has been forced to apologise for not upholding his marriage vows, insisting he simply misspoke when answering a question.

“Apologies, I misspoke during our wedding ceremonies,” he said.

“I was asked if I would adhere to a long list of absurd commitments and instead of saying ‘I don’t’ as would any reasonable man, I accidentally said, ‘I do’.

“It was such an obvious error I’m surprised no one picked up on it at the time.

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“I mean, ‘Til death do us part?’ How on earth is one expected to keep trading in wives for younger models with that particular millstone around the neck?

“As for ‘In sickness and in health’ well, it’s a bit unfair to expect a chap to hang around during some ghastly terminal illness. I mean, what if she becomes bloated or bald or something? Or doesn’t have the energy to give me a comprehensive servicing?

“When I see my bird I want to say ‘phwoar, hoochie-coochie’ rather than ‘How are you feeling, is the treatment working?’

“As a fine specimen of a man myself, I expect my missus to uphold the same standards. Let yourself go and it’s ‘sorry love, time to pull the ripcord’.

“So of course I didn’t mean to say ‘I do’ when I got married. Next time I’ll avoid all confusion by just saying ‘Nope!’ That way, even if I miss out a couple of letters the answer will still be ‘No’.

“Now then, while I’m on the subject, about that Parliamentary Oath of Allegiance…”